


Don’t make me laugh, I’ll choke

by maanorchidee



Series: Low-key, no pressure, just hang with me and my weather [2]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Closure, Developing Friendships, Gen, Healing, M/M, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, Smoking, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Cries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:20:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29251353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maanorchidee/pseuds/maanorchidee
Summary: After Agatha’s talk with Simon, Baz wants to speak to her.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Low-key, no pressure, just hang with me and my weather [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2147874
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	Don’t make me laugh, I’ll choke

**Author's Note:**

> This is an unplanned direct sequel to _A half-empty girl_. I just (clenches fist) really want Baz and Agatha to become best friends.

**AGATHA**

Penny and Simon have a little balcony. They put two plastic garden chairs on that balcony and they called it a day. I should recommend them to get some succulents.

They did put some tacky stickers on their glass door. A for effort, I suppose.

My dad is inside, still talking to Penny and Shepard, but I light a cigarette. I don’t think he’s going to scold me for it. I am an adult and he- well, my parents haven’t treated me the same ever since the events of the White Chapel. It’s the guilt. 

I want them to feel guilty. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

Maybe I should also talk to them about this. Talking. What a concept. I only just discovered it.

I look ahead and admire the terrible view. Their flat is in the outskirts of London, so it’s not the view one would expect, but I like it anyway. 

The door slides open and I look over my shoulder. To my surprise, Baz is standing there. He takes one look at my cigarette and he raises an eyebrow. I am ready to defend my smoking habit. (I know it’s a bad habit.) (I ought to quit, but sometimes it just relaxing). 

But Baz surprises me. He has a pack of cigarettes of his own.

“Light me one, will you?” he holds out the cigarette and he sits down next to me.

“Aren’t you flammable?” I ask.

“You sound like Snow,” he says. I decide not to question it and I use my magic to light his cigarette. I wonder if he smokes for the same reason I do. It’s gross and terrible and unhealthy (especially for Baz with the whole vampire thing), but sometimes the urge for relaxation is too strong.

“I take that as a compliment.”

“You shouldn’t.”

I laugh at that. 

We sit together in silence, smoking. I don’t think he’s here to just smoke. He wants something from me. I look at him. I recognise the look that he has on his face. It’s the look of someone who is going to want you for something. The last time I saw that look, it was on Braden’s face. I don’t want to think about yet another thing to add on my pile of trauma’s. I focus on Baz instead.

He looks back and he raises an eyebrow. I have the feeling that 80% of Baz’s communication is conveyed through his eyebrows. It makes sense. He can give off subtle signs of judgement or sadness or curiosty whilst looking cool and collective. 

What happened inside has changed my entire view on this guy. I thought he was just an asshole, but he’s like me. It’s easier to not care sometimes. It’s easier to ghost your friends instead of confronting them. It’s easier to lash out than to talk.

Is he looking for the same catharsis? Simon must’ve told him about what we talked about. Baz must know that a burden has been lifted for the two of us.

I wait for him to start.

“To answer your previous question,” he finally says, “I’m doing terribly.”

This doesn’t surprise me. 

“Do you have anyone, Baz?” I ask, “Anyone who isn’t Simon or Penny? Do you have anyone to talk to or anyone who can distract you?”

“My aunt has been travelling a lot. She’s hunting vampires,” Baz says, which isn’t really a direct answer, but I suppose this means that usually his aunt is the person he confides in and she isn’t around.

I nod.

“You were right, though,” Baz suddenly says.

“About what?”

“About me. Snow refusing to talk is annoying and painful, but he can’t fully carry all the blame,” Baz says. He’s dangling his cigarette in between his fingers. I hope he doesn’t set himself on fire. “I needed you around as a buffer, cause I also cannot speak to him on my own. We’re a perfect match. Snow doesn’t want to talk and I don’t know how to.”

“To be fair, Simon really makes it difficult to talk.”

I think about the last and only time I’ve ever spoken to Baz. We were holding hands at the Woods, because I was trying to figure out what I wanted. Simon saw us.

Afterwards, Simon never talked about it.

Even when I tried to at least apologise for almost cheating on him, he didnt want to talk. The only reasons we had to discuss it was because of Penny and because of Baz’s stupid handkerchief.

But even then, we should’ve broken up way before that. We both saw the cracks growing, but Simon just didn’t want to talk and I thought that was the end of it. I knew my place. I had to accept it.

With all of that in mind, I say: “Never forget who you really are.”

Another subtle eyebrow raise. This time it’s confusion.

“It’s true that you can put more effort into reaching Simon, but don’t give up when you think it will lead you nowhere. If you believe you can figure it out, keep going. Don’t do what I did. Don’t become me.”

“No offense, Wellbelove, but becoming you doesn’t sound very appealing.”

“It isn’t,” I say sadly. I think about what Simon said about us not knowing ourselves at all. “I wish I could be someone else, but I’m not. I don’t hate it, though. I try to make it work.”

I expect more eyebrow movement, but something is different. Baz stares ahead of himself. I once again focus on his cigarette, since he isn’t focusing on it and I don’t want him to set anything on fire. 

“Baz?” I say after a while.

Then, he breaks down. His face scrunches up and he lets out a sob. I am so dumbfounded, I don’t know how to react. I’ve seen a more emotional side of him in California, but not this close.

I quickly cast **_Make a wish_** to put out our cigarettes. (Really, a flammable vampire, _smoking_?). I’m still a bit shocked, but my primal instinct kicks in. I might not care about myself too much, but I do care about my friends and other people around me. When Ginger cries, I jump in. When Minty needs to rant, I’m there for her.

I pull Baz against my chest and I let him cry. My dress will be ruined, but I don’t care. I try not to focus on my own thoughts, but this display or raw emotion and sadness makes me tear up too.

“It’ll all be fine,” I say. I hope I’m not lying.

The four of us really are fucked up, aren’t we? Simon, Baz, Penny and I. We’re all repressing our emotions and feelings.

Baz keeps crying. How long has he been bottling up his feelings?

After all, I know I’m not okay myself. The talk with Simon gave me a great feeling, but it’s just a start. There will be a lot more and not everything will give me that happy and content feeling.

At least I had a lot of fun while I was repressing everything, since I was ignoring everything by doing other stuff. God, I love California. I can’t wait to go back, especially since there’s a food festival planned.

Baz doesn’t have that. He has to watch Simon wither in front of him every single day with nothing else to focus on, apart from maybe his studies.

I couldn’t have done it.

“Baz, where are Dev and Niall?” I ask, suddenly remembering his Watford friends. Really, where is everyone in Baz’s life?

“Oxford,” Baz manages to say through the tears. He doesn’t say anything else, so I once again draw my own conclusion. They’re not present. Even if they still talk with Baz, it’s not about these things.

“And your family, apart from your aunt?”

He just shakes his head.

It’s no use to ask about Simon and Penny.

“It’s just... it’s a lot,” he cries out. I cry as well. After all, Baz is right. 

He keeps sobbing. They’re loud and so emotional, it makes me cry even harder. I truly hope that Simon and Penny’s neighbours aren’t bothered by the sound of our crying.

Oh Morgana, first I have a needed conversation with Simon and now Baz is sobbing in my arms. At this rate, I’m going to have to be Penelope’s therapist before the end of the day.

“It’s a lot,” he says again.

There’s a small sound. Baz doesn’t hear it, but I turn to look over my shoulder. Simon is standing on the other side of the glass door. He has his hand pressed against it, as if he’s trying to reach Baz.

I’m not smart. I don’t care about deep philosophical things. Yet, I can’t help but see some kind of symbolism in here. Simon can see Baz suffer. He tries to reach him, but he can’t. There’s something in between.

I want to mouth to Simon to open the door, but he isn’t looking at me. He’s looking at Baz and he looks scared. 

My heart breaks for these two.

It hurts to see Simon, so I turn back to focus on Baz. He’s somewhat calmed down. I hug him tighter.

“You have me,” I say.

“Since when?” Baz asks and honestly, that’s fair. Again, we’ve only talked once.

“Since now,” I answer.

Simon and I might be the same, but Baz and I are too. I see different parts of myself in these boys.

“You have me now. I won’t leave again,” I say softly. 

I expect him to fight me on it, but instead he lets out a long, teary sigh. It sounds like a sigh of relief. 

Does he understand it too? Does he see how we’re the same? 

I do now. In this past hour, I’ve learned more about Baz than in the previous eight years combined. He’s not some elist, stand-off twat. He’s lost and he hides behind snark, like me.

Snark and cynicism have been a great blanket for the past year. It must’ve worked for him for even more years. 

“... thanks, Agatha.”

_Agatha_. No Wellbelove. 

This day has been an emotional rollecoaster and to my surprise, it isn’t the end. The glass door slides open.

Both Baz and I look up when we hear it.

Simon is standing in the doorway. He looks unsure and he’s still scared, but he’s here. Baz is looking at him as if he’s fucking Santa Claus.

Baz untangles himself out of my grip. I take that as my cue to leave.

“Gentlemen,” I curtsy as a joke. This isn’t a joke, obviously, but I try to keep it light. 

I swiftly move away, but on my way out, I squeeze Simon’s shoulder as a support. Once I’m inside, the door slides closed after me. I let out a deep breath. What a day.

I’m spent, but I’m also hopeful. I think about what Penny said. 

We’re going to be happy one day. That’s the goal.

**Author's Note:**

> You bet your ass I’m writing a 3rd part with Agatha and Penny!


End file.
